April 26, 2012

Oh, That's Your Grandchild?!

Does it look like I have the words, "If you're older than 50, please hit on me," written on my forehead?

I don't understand! Do I exude some kind of pheromone that attracts these old heads? For real, I get that I can be nice- but I'm really not interested. Check it, in one 24 hour period I had two of these encounters.

Here's how it went.

Old head #1
Went to a new bar, a little bit more flavor this time. I met a friend who happened to work at this fine establishment. So, I was kinda by myself while my friend was working. I sat sipping on a rum flavored straw to the side, slightly uncomfortable and not in my element. I was looking pretty fly though, if I might say.
After about 20 minutes, a more mature looking guy came up to me and started laying some THICK lines down. I won't go into all the phrases he said, but boy- they were funny.
Let me give you the jist though. He basically told me that all the guys in the bar were fake and that I needed a real man. (What ever that is!) He proceed to say he would like to take me out to dinner, take me to the casino to play and go dancing. Later in the evening his proposal gifts got even more lavish and more extravagant - he offered to pay my bills!
NO JOKE! He wanted to take care of me,"like a good man should" in his words.
Ok- so, as I mentioned previously, I have a hard time saying no. Now, I never said yes, to any of his offers, I just never said no. I wasn't going to say yes either. I was playing nice, and occasionally I would run to my friend working and whisper, "You wouldn't believe what this dude is telling me." We laughed it off, and I went back to playing nice. My phone was my main distraction for most of the night. He had pulled out his, and I noticed a little baby on his phone. I said, "Oh, how cute! Is that your daughter?" His reply: "No, it's my grandchild."
Wait! What? That's your grandchild?! Holy crap. This just went from uncomfortable to now creepy.
How do I get out of this one? I was supposed to hang out with my friend after work. I couldn't really leave. Ur- uh. Whew! Last call. Maybe I'll just excuse myself to the ladies room for a few minutes- and when I return he will be gone.
Heel, toe, Heel, toe. To the restroom I walk away- and roll my eyes knowing he's watching me walk away. Lock myself in, wash hands, reapply lip gloss, check my phone, wait a few seconds- there's a knock at the bathroom door. Really!? Really?!
I come out- Surprise! Guess who's there- trying to feel up on me? Old head! Um- where's my friend, now? I give his a polite hug and he decides to leave. Finally.
I then feel I needed to wash in Listerine, or bathe in bleach or scrub with borax. Shutter.

Old head #2
In the city, driving in my cute little red sporty car. My windows a rolled down, I'm jammin to some music. A clunker of a truck pulls up to the right of me- and an older gentlemen who did not have all of this teeth- proceeded to cat call at me. I couldn't really ignore it because my windows were down and he noticed me hear him. Yikes. I said, "thanks for the compliment," with a saccharine smile. Then he continued to say something about my man and not telling him and such and such. Apparently, he hadn't seen a "sexy smile" like mine in a long time.
Where do people get these ideas? And these words? And the idea that they can just say these words!?

Is there any hope? I'm a young urban bird- can't I just date a guy in my same generation. Is that so hard to ask!
Laughing out loud, literally.

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Did I do something wrong? Are they crazy or stupid? Your thoughts, please?