Coach

Alright, so I was invited to check out a basketball game ( I think Oklahoma vs. Miami), at a local bar, with some friends of mine. I wasn’t really going for the game- I just wanted to get out of the house. The three of us arrived; me, a girl friend and a guy friend (who has a girlfriend). We sat at the bar- along with the 5 other people. We talked, watched the game, and had a drink. Then I decided to take a break to enjoy my favorite concoction of cloves outside. I imbibed and across the street I notice this seasoned gentleman walking toward me and says, “Excuse me.”

Somewhere inside- I’m sure I had a moment that said, uh-oh..run away. This is not good.

My action step was that I should ignore him.

He soon got closer, “Excuse me, can I just say one thing?”

“Sure,” I reply.

“You are just gorgeous!”

“Um, thanks.”

“Can I just say one, thing?”

“Ok.”

“You see I used to coach for Nebraska, but now I coach for Pitt.”

Then, he went off for like 10 minutes repeating the same football story from 20 years ago, in Nebraska! 20 years ago! And the team didn’t even win. It went something like, “And he dove, the mother-fer, excuse my language, was down at the line and just dove. But we lost the game. You see, those kids from Nebraska- they just go for it.”

With several variations, even cornering another couple walking by, he repeated his nostalgic tale from way back before anyone listening was born. He continued to fluff his feathers, and show off his shorts – (which were Pitt sports gear). He made certain that I knew he was a coach at Pitt, and that we should get dinner sometime. Also, that the bar down the street gives free drinks to people who work for Pitt. He was clearly intoxicated, but I (silly me) continued the conversation. Throughout, and basically every five minutes, it was interrupted by one of these lines.

“Can I just tell you one thing?”

“Oh, Nebraska! You should have seen that dive.”

“Can I just talk to you for a few minutes?”

“Don’t tell anyone, I said this, but…”

“Can I just tell you one thing?”

“I havn’t told anyone this.”

“Those cornhuskers…”

“Can I talk to you for like two hours?”

“Can I just tell you one thing?”

Intermittently throughout these questions, the repetitious homage of the past consisted of football, football, football, 1982, Tommy Dorsey, football, football, 1983, another important figure, football.

“I think you are just gorgeous,” never stopped, as well. During these rants he continued to touch my forearm, grab my hand and kiss it while making his ever-so important points. I thought it was hilarious. All this was outside. The salt and pepper haired seasoned “gentleman” seemed to be fond of me, and wouldn’t let me go back inside. So, what did he do? He invited himself inside and sat down with me and my friends.

The same stories were told. He showcased his shorts again, to my friends. He continued to talk about football, until the topic of the Beetles arrived. The he proceeded to serenade for the next 15 minutes. But despite his intoxication, he couldn’t remember the lyrics to any of the songs, or the names of the songs. Luckily, my good friends said they had to go home and they were my ride. So, I patted his back and walked out the door.

Miami won, by the way. 

London Calling

The following story is from when I traveled abroad to London, England.

My friends and I decided to go to a club and get our energy out. It was fun, we had a great time. Although, I did notice that men in Europe are much more aggressive than in the US. For some reason, I felt like if I danced with someone- then there was this unspoken rule that I owed them something in return. If ya know what I mean?

So there I was shaking my thang, ant this African dude came up to me and started dancing. But very close, and a little too close for comfort actually. I found a friend and moved to the other side of the dance floor. About an hour later, African dude found me again! I looked across the floor searching for my friends- I couldn't find anyone. I did though make good eye contact with this one fellow. I ended up shrugging off the African dude and went to another part of the club. Then it was almost closing time, and I was afraid African dude was going to find me and corner me or worse follow me home. My friends were in the crowd somewhere- but I had no safety net. To my right I saw African dude about 30 feet away headed in my direction. To my left about 5 feet away was the guy I had eye contact with earlier. I grabbed his wrist walked towards to entrance and paused with him. 

I said, “HI- sorry to bother you but I just need to borrow you for a moment.” I took a breath and continued, “there is a guy following me and I just want him to think I am with someone.” African dude passed by and didn’t stop. Whew! I was in the clear. And now I had this cute guy standing next to me. I finished with, “I’d love to thank you by buying you a pint at the pub.” He said yes with no hesitation. Later that week, we met and I bought him his pint. We hit it off right after that. 

 Even years and miles apart, I still chat with him to this day. Thank buddy. 

Confidently Cocky

My coworker and I hit up the local bar and grill near the off ramp to have a quick social hour after a ridiculous night at work. Mostly we discuss out idiot coworkers, annoying clients and how administration is oblivious to it all. This particular evening became slightly more interesting. 

In walk three twenty something’s. Now at this point coworker and I were the only ones in the restaurant before they walked in. They walked right in and sat right next to us and actually greeted us with an odd confidence. Coworker and I sort of eavesdropped on their conversation. I am a regular there and know the bartender fairly well. I noticed cocky guy #1 was trying to hit on bartender lady. With a ridiculous compliment, might I add (one- I would never fall for.) Bartender lady was polite and shrugged it off. I on the other hand guffawed really loud. He caught me! I gave him a bit of a discussed look back, when I noticed him noticing me. He interjected, “ It wasn’t that funny.”

Now, I’m not quick on my wit. So I just gave him an awkward look like - how do you know I was laughing at you?

What I really wanted to say was, “I wasn’t laughing at your joke. Trust me- I was laughing at your false projection of confidence that clearly failed.” 

I would pay money to repeat that moment over and see his reaction to that line. Oh well.

So we left.  

Mr. Tall, Dark and….

(a story from back in the day)

So, I have this thing with bouncers, doormen- you know the bulky confident type who can kick your ass if you look at them wrong. Yup. That’s my cup of tea. And I’m not quite sure if I am attracted them or they are attracted to me- but either way I find them and they find me.

This particular one is from a while ago. A few of my friends wanted to go out, and I got to choose the place. It was this cute little lounge where they served my favorite drink- Stockholm Royale. My lame friends didn’t want to pay for the fancy martini- so they went to the liquor store while I went inside. I strolled up to the bar and sat comfortably at the corner seat. Then suddenly, Mr. Tall, Dark walks up to me and sits down. Now at first I just thought he was a friendly patron of the bar. Then he proceeded to ask me if I frequented the bar. I had, and then he asked me if I tried the food. I hadn’t. He handed me a menu and I perused the options. I wasn’t really hungry for food...

Then he stood up, and told me he was on the clock and that he’d be right back because he had to do a check. Oh! He was a bouncer. I’m game, I know this drill. He came back, and we chatted more. Simple get to know you convo. He was charming, not rude. He was a man, not a boy.

My friends came and left, and I was still captivated by this man who was spending time doting over me. Then it was last call. Then it was 2 o’clock. Then it was 3 o’clock and I was standing outside his SUV. He was looking fine as all get-out and then I noticed he had a Joni Mitchell cd in the truck. Now, I’m not hating- but I sure don’t know many large black men to be a fan of the songstress. But I shrugged it off. Asked some more questions, gave a scrumptious hug and went on my giddy way.

We saw each other a few times throughout the next weeks.

Second part of the story- my local radio show had a quiz going on. I called it, answered the question right, and won the prize. It was to see a performance- that I was mildly excited to see. I also received a meet and greet with the cast. I gathered my best gay and went to the meet and greet. Guess what? It was the same bar Mr. Tall, Dark worked at. I was excited to run into him again.

While I was there, I met the radio show host. She was stunningly beautiful. She even said I was beautiful. Those things make me blush honestly. We all sat down and had h'orderves and drinks. I then noticed- Mr. Tall, Dark was at the event. Then I saw that he proceeded to sit at the same table as the radio show host. Then, I realized that there were small mixed children at the same table. And then, I made the connection Mr. Tall, Dark was married to Ms. Radio Show Host. 

And that is how he became Mr. Tall, Dark and Married.

UGHH. Why? Do I have “the other woman” tattooed on my forehead? He lied to me the entire time. 

AND THEN- he had the audacity to still want to be friends- after he clearly saw me that night!

Shortest Date Ever

*Sorry I had a month of not writing- was moving jobs and home. ie. a bit busy.

I did have a recent experience that I must translate.

This particular gentleman was from one of those online dating sites- I had mentioned previously. After over 24 hours of agonizingly deciding where to meet/eat/date, we had finally decided. 

We choose a lovely local but fine dining establishment in the cultural district. He had made reservations (which I thought was classy) and when I showed up he was waiting. It was fairly awkward for the first 15 minutes, as I had to drag out conversation with him.

Another irritation was his appearance. Now, I’m not that shallow to judge a date from his appearance but a whole lot of information presents itself upon first observation. This gentleman was wearing sneakers. Sneakers! Alright, I realize he was coming straight from work but I didn’t know he was wearing sneakers at work. I was wearing 5 inch heels! Basically, that earned negative points.

The food was great, expensive but great. While in the middle of dinner he was texting. Which I thought was a little rude but he qualified it as important. I shrugged it off. His face got distressed and I told him he should turn off his phone. He replied it was in his contract for work that he had to keep it on. Whatever. Five minutes later, he told me that he had to cut the date short because he was required to attend a conference call in less than an hour. Grumble. Ok. Luckily, I wasn’t too disappointed. I at least had one mojito. He did get more friendly and opened up as we wrapped up the evening, but it wasn’t enough to grab my attention. He drove me home and that was it. Perhaps it was an excuse to ditch me, perhaps it was the truth. I’ll never know.

Date ended in less 90 minutes. 

Oh, and the by the way three days later- he texted me that he felt no chemistry. At least the food was good.