March 14, 2013

Are you ready?

Spoiler Alert: this blog is about to turn into something else for the current season.
Perhaps- we'll call it.....urbanbird's-trial-at-a-monogamous-relationship-for-realskies-this-time.serious.

What I would really like to do is put the truth out there in black and white. Well, that's my problem actually. I have an error in my thinking pattern that often bleeds out the grey and leaven me with two drastic sides of the situation. I'm coming to the conclusion, especially in this relationship with Mr. Interesting, that there's a whole lot of grey out there and that is OK! (whodathunk) Bare with me as I struggle to change my bi-polar thinking in terms of this funny little thing called love.

So, things have progressed with Mr. Interesting. We have seen each other about twice a week for the past two months. I have introduced him to two groups of my close friends, he visits me at work, takes me out and spoils me, he's brought me medicine when I was sick, held me when I wanted to walk away, kissed my tears of pure fear and introduced me to the mother of his children.
I mean, it's kinda ridiculous!!

I have felt more feelings in the past two months than I have in the past ten years. I have felt new and awkward feelings that I still don't know how to describe. I have never been in love before- and I can't help to ascribe these new feelings to that category. Am I in love?- I ask myself.
I know that I want to only see him.
I know that I care about him deeply.
I know that he makes me feel like no man has ever treated me.
I know that all I want to do is return with affection.
I know that he makes me smile.
I know that I want to be in his kids' lives.
I know that if I never saw him again- I know deep down- he has been honest, genuine, patient, real and has shown me love.
So, if that's all true- then call me a girl in love.

It hasn't been easy. I've pulled away. I've not trusted. I've hesitated. I am still scared. I feel silly at times. I do not feel rushed- but I fear the thoughts of other. To be honest- I struggle with that a lot. The opinion of others. I fear that they will judge me. I am afraid they will disagree with my decisions and tell me I'm wrong for following my heart.
When I start thinking like that, I have to stop...put my blinders on and keep focused on the truth that encircles the relationship I have with Mr. Interesting and I. When I look into his eyes- I am centered and grounded and solid in his love for me. I am unwavering when he holds me him his arms.
I've never done this before. Sure, I've been in relationships in the past. But this- this one is different! I LIKE HIM! The others- I was with for immature/naive/selfish reasons...for attention. And I never actually liked or loved them honestly. With Mr.Interesting it's the complete opposite. I LIKE HIM. I'm fond of him. I'm challenged by him. I'm captivated by him. I'm intrigued and obviously interested.
I say all of this, because with these new feelings comes the scary feelings of letting someone have my heart. Being vulnerable. Letting go of control. Taking a risk. So, when I'm not with him, when I'm not holding his hand- the feeling of abandonment creeps in when I get lonely.
I guess I've been lonely for so long- it's easy/comfortable to isolate and escape when things get uncomfortable or difficult. It's an odd place to be- not wanting to be alone and yet wanting to run away and hide.
Tricky- these feelings.  My heart wants to be loved and I have recently decided that I need to face my fears and take a risk at this love thing.

It would be my honor if you would join me on this journey- as I process my feelings in this new adventure. What do you get out of it? Well, being a voyeur into the life of a girl who's falling in love for the first time- and you get a front row seat.

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Did I do something wrong? Are they crazy or stupid? Your thoughts, please?