Are you ready?

Spoiler Alert: this blog is about to turn into something else for the current season.
Perhaps- we'll call it.....urbanbird's-trial-at-a-monogamous-relationship-for-realskies-this-time.serious.

What I would really like to do is put the truth out there in black and white. Well, that's my problem actually. I have an error in my thinking pattern that often bleeds out the grey and leaven me with two drastic sides of the situation. I'm coming to the conclusion, especially in this relationship with Mr. Interesting, that there's a whole lot of grey out there and that is OK! (whodathunk) Bare with me as I struggle to change my bi-polar thinking in terms of this funny little thing called love.

So, things have progressed with Mr. Interesting. We have seen each other about twice a week for the past two months. I have introduced him to two groups of my close friends, he visits me at work, takes me out and spoils me, he's brought me medicine when I was sick, held me when I wanted to walk away, kissed my tears of pure fear and introduced me to the mother of his children.
I mean, it's kinda ridiculous!!

I have felt more feelings in the past two months than I have in the past ten years. I have felt new and awkward feelings that I still don't know how to describe. I have never been in love before- and I can't help to ascribe these new feelings to that category. Am I in love?- I ask myself.
I know that I want to only see him.
I know that I care about him deeply.
I know that he makes me feel like no man has ever treated me.
I know that all I want to do is return with affection.
I know that he makes me smile.
I know that I want to be in his kids' lives.
I know that if I never saw him again- I know deep down- he has been honest, genuine, patient, real and has shown me love.
So, if that's all true- then call me a girl in love.

It hasn't been easy. I've pulled away. I've not trusted. I've hesitated. I am still scared. I feel silly at times. I do not feel rushed- but I fear the thoughts of other. To be honest- I struggle with that a lot. The opinion of others. I fear that they will judge me. I am afraid they will disagree with my decisions and tell me I'm wrong for following my heart.
When I start thinking like that, I have to stop...put my blinders on and keep focused on the truth that encircles the relationship I have with Mr. Interesting and I. When I look into his eyes- I am centered and grounded and solid in his love for me. I am unwavering when he holds me him his arms.
I've never done this before. Sure, I've been in relationships in the past. But this- this one is different! I LIKE HIM! The others- I was with for immature/naive/selfish reasons...for attention. And I never actually liked or loved them honestly. With Mr.Interesting it's the complete opposite. I LIKE HIM. I'm fond of him. I'm challenged by him. I'm captivated by him. I'm intrigued and obviously interested.
I say all of this, because with these new feelings comes the scary feelings of letting someone have my heart. Being vulnerable. Letting go of control. Taking a risk. So, when I'm not with him, when I'm not holding his hand- the feeling of abandonment creeps in when I get lonely.
I guess I've been lonely for so long- it's easy/comfortable to isolate and escape when things get uncomfortable or difficult. It's an odd place to be- not wanting to be alone and yet wanting to run away and hide.
Tricky- these feelings.  My heart wants to be loved and I have recently decided that I need to face my fears and take a risk at this love thing.

It would be my honor if you would join me on this journey- as I process my feelings in this new adventure. What do you get out of it? Well, being a voyeur into the life of a girl who's falling in love for the first time- and you get a front row seat.

Dating Mr. Interesting; Part 1,2 & 3

This could potentially be a long post, so I will attempt to be colorful yet concise in my wording.

Dates with Mr. Interesting

Part 1-
This broad shouldered, strong armed, caramel colored man, with a full beard and dark eyes approached my door, I had those butterflies. I don't get them often. This whole journey, he has been kind and respectful. I feel like when he looks at me, he starts from deep within me. Anyways, I'm getting ahead of myself.
I was swaggalicious that night. You know, how I do. I picked out my outfit and heels, my hair and face were fly. I even stopped by Sephora to pick up a sample my favorite scent (Alien by Thierry Mugler). I was feeling good and confident. So, like the gentleman he is- he picked me up and we were off. I have previously spoke with him that we should do something active. We agreed upon going to a pottery studio to paint something. We had a great time. He sat across from me and painted a vase and I choose a bowl. Interestingly, he actually finished on time. He had painted his vase with the Japanese characters for passion, and added a symbolic scenic landscape. It was lovely. I on the other hand, took so long to paint, I had to slap paint on my bowl at the last minute because they were closing. We chatted and learned more about each other. The next stop was dinner back in my neighborhood. Again, the talking and sharing was fluid and candid. At one point, I believe I said- "it feels like I've know you forever." He often says we are "kindred spirits". I can dig that.
As the night came to a close, we did share a beautiful intimate moment sharing poetry and a sweet embrace. He left as respectfully as he came.

Part 2-
I think by this point, we had many more philosophical, relational and spiritual conversations that I was pretty darn hooked intellectually. It just happens to be a bonus that his kindness and physical attributes also continue to inspire me.  It's weird to write this out- because I feel like I'm in high school with a crush. Is it a crush, if he likes you back? It had been a week exactly from when we had met- and he said we was going to visit me at work (where we met initially). He showed up with the same buddy and we had a great time chatting and throwing back a drink. I needed this because I had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day! (I mean- I cried at work due to my sugar being so low because I didn't have enough time to eat dinner between 1st job and 2ed). So, to have this handsome gentleman caller come and visit me, sit next to me and put his arm around me- whew- I just melted like butter on a biscuit. It was a short visit but worth the wait!

Part 3-
By this point bigger questions were being asked that had complicated answers. For some reason, we had clicked and doors were opening that neither of us expected. This is still surreal- even while writing this. At times I'm even so scared that I want to run away. I think the concept of someone actually getting to know me and stay around even after the facts- blows my mind. And he's stuck around! He hasn't run away from some of the not so cute facts about my life. Sunday morning, he showed up again at my door. This time I just gave him the biggest hug I could imagine. I didn't even know how to communicate my likeness for him. After the hug, I grabbed my coat and walked into the blustery sunny morn, arm and arm with this new gentleman. We walked to the local coffee shop and went another layer deeper. It was beautiful. Finally, a guy who could communicate wants, desires, fears and conflicts- while at the same time listening and respecting mine. I know, single ladies, this is a rare find. My intention is to continue to explore more parts of him, and try to let some of my walls down. It's hard- at times I want to keep an arms distance from him. And other times, my arms are so tired of being up I just want to relax and be at peace with someone showing my healthy affection. During that coffee date, i felt so present with him that I could  feel that peace and joy.


Well, that was the most serious post I've had in a while. Who knows where this will go? All I can say now is that I'm excited and I'll take it one day at a time. I'd like to take a risk and jump off the deep end. You can send positive thoughts, prayers or wisdom my way at any time. I've never done this before- you know, be vulnerable like this. I'm happy to share my experience with this online community. Keep in mind-your are only getting a sliver of the real guy.

Just a Glance

Alright, alright....so, it's true. I have neglected this blog for a while. I wish I could say it was due to the uncontrollable increase of prospective daters. But. Sigh. It is not.
I was recollecting, re-calibrating and re-centering myself. I have been in a period of self love. I needed to figure out what I was doing and why. Once I started this journey, I realized that it will never end. I'm excited to make better choices, that also include my dating pool.
The last few months- I entertained the company of a few guys but it turned out there were not up to snuff (to even write about).

Which leads me to last night.

All it took was a glance.
I recently started working at a new dining establishment in my neighborhood and around about hungry time I took a break to order a salad from the line. As I was sitting at the bar to enjoy my yum-tastic salad. Two gents arrived at the door- one who was my particular flavor and one not so much.
At that was the glance. He saw me and I saw him.
I noticed there wasn't many seats available so I scooted one stool down so that they may sit together. My savvy plan failed, because someone closer to the door scooted before they saw the open seats next to me. Oh well, I thought. I only have 10 min to eat this anyways. I finished and went back to my station. 
This was later in my shift, and for the next hour....I swear he keep looking at me. At first, I wasn't sure and thought I was imaging things. Later, I was kinda excited that a guy that I was interested in was interested in me. But I was working! Being professional is important to me, so I sort of gave up the idea that we would ever actually talked. I figured him and his friend would leave after and hour and that would be it.
Well, towards the end of my shift...he was still there. A friend of my casually showed up to meet me after work, so I purposefully posted her at the bar next to the men folk.
After I clocked out, I sat at the bar and chatted with my friend about boys and how silly they were. At the same time, I was eavesdropping (I know, it's bad). But when the guy you are attracted to is a loud talker, and two seats away- it's kinda hard not to shut off the ears. Oddly enough, he took was taking about the relationships of men and women, too! As my girlfriend was questioning all the men in the world- I casually turned to Mr. Interesting and said, "He's a man, you should just ask him."
Bingo-Bango. Then the interaction began.
He came over, gave some good advice and we hit it off. He kinda ignored his friend and I kinda ignored my friend  We talked til closing, and we went deep. Philosophy, God, Religion, relationships, - you know, all the things you shouldn't really talk about the first time you meet someone. We did! It wasn't bad. We agreed a lot, and we disagreed on some things. Longer story shorter- he asked if we could continue to the conversation another time. I said yes. He asked for number, and I gave.

Half an hour later- we texted each other til 4am.(Which I might add-I confirmed and he admitted he noticed me the moment he walked in and was keeping an eye on me while I was working. I found out- that he actually wanted to buy me a drink when I was on break- but once he noticed I was working he couldn't.) I went to sleep. Woke up, and he continued to text me and set up a date.
I'm intrigued by this guy who I'm attracted to physically and attracted to intellectually.
First guy to challenge me in a while. I"m excited.
I'll keep posted about the next engagement.

Guy Friends or An Enigma

Let me just say how exhausted am I at some of my “guy friends”. This specifically goes out to those guys friends who would never say we dated, but somehow wind up with some kind of chemistry by the end of the night. Yah, YOU! I hope you do read my silly little blog, because it’s your turn to be brought up.

I’m tired of these types of guys friends because in actuality they are not good friends at all. They, at times of their need and want, present a false intimacy. I foolishly take it hook, line and sinker because I am truly looking for intimacy (even in an honest friendship). I end up getting fooled because a person of the male persuasion cultivates a serious of exchanges with me whereupon I feel they have gained trust.   That trust is often gained by seeing each other in a multitude of platonic and or group casual settings. Then magically, there is this unspoken agreement that we should be in closer proximity, flirt more and have notions with each other under no what-so-ever verbal agreement of anything more than friends.

Is my little heart so fragile, ignorant or naïve? Why do I keep collecting these types of guy friends who really end up manipulating me for some kind of physical affection? Yuck.

I know, I know- I’m working on my backbone for all you prudent, black and white, strong-willed ladies. It takes time to see the light and come out these types of relationships. My new goal is to stop them before it starts. Honestly, these guy friends aren’t worth my time, especially if they are not truly interested in my betterment. My plan is to set new boundaries and if these so called friends are truly my friends then they will be respected and we can commence with a positive and healthy friendship.

So, for YOU listening (reading rather)- if you just want a hug or a kiss or a cuddle at the end of the night- DUECES.  That is not why I’m your friend and you have your motives all wrong. If you want a girlfriend who can provide the previous things then go find one- it’s not me! I will take on my own responsibility and do my best to provide you with more “No’s” and “What the hell are you doing?”- if that will help you more. Stop using women to get your silly needs met over their personhood. We are not toys, we are humans with feelings too. If this does bring about a light bulb over your head- and somehow you have been brought to repentance- maybe you should reconsider your definition of a friend. In the case you plan to be my friend, sans the cuddle-bits, you might want to apologize for your douchebaggery, grow up and make appropriate boundaries. This is my last warning or you will be permanently cut out.

Thanks, love you like a friend, a real friend who tells the truth. 

A Little Update or "The Encounters"

Alright, so I havn’t been on any actual dates in a while- but I have had some encounters. I choose to put them all together b/c they are kinda short and sweet (or sour rather).

Encounter #1-I went to Reggae night and was early.While I waited the bartender hooked up a laptop and tuned into an important basketball game. The music wasn’t fully pumping and there was only like 6 guys at the bar and me. So, I watched the game silently to myself while sitting in the middle of the bar, drinking my little drink. Wouldn’t you know- I sat there and watched the whole game! As did the other 6 guys. No one said a word to me, they were so enthralled with the game. Even the guy sitting 2 inches next to me- not a peep. Two minutes after the game, I had finished my drink and was sipping on water- when all of the sudden- another drink popped up. Wait. I didn’t order another drink. I looked to my left, and looked to my right to see who bought me a drink. Come to find out – it was the guy sitting next to me for the past 2 hours! After talking, come to find out- he’s in his 30’s, works as a waiter and still lives with his mom. NEXT.

Encounter #2- Online guy. Yah I know, I said I was done- but I lied- I was bored and went back on. He initiated the conversation and I stuck it out. He seemed sweet and wanted to be a comedian. After talking, come to find out- he’s in his 20’s, does not work, can’t drive and lives with his mom. NEXT.

Encounter #3- Chilling at my friends bar, this particular night- I lad lost my voice from work, so I carried around a pen and legal pad the whole night. Yes, it looked ridiculous. Dude approaches me, and I scribble down why I can’t talk. We write/chat for a minute. After talking, come to find out- he’s in his late 30’s, lives with his cousin, and just got released from a 19 year long stint in prison this past spring. NEXT.

NEXT. ….. NEXT……NEXT…….still waiting.

Is it so hard to ask for a guy who has a job, has his own place, perhaps has a car, and does not have a criminal record? 

I just want some substance. 

Coach

Alright, so I was invited to check out a basketball game ( I think Oklahoma vs. Miami), at a local bar, with some friends of mine. I wasn’t really going for the game- I just wanted to get out of the house. The three of us arrived; me, a girl friend and a guy friend (who has a girlfriend). We sat at the bar- along with the 5 other people. We talked, watched the game, and had a drink. Then I decided to take a break to enjoy my favorite concoction of cloves outside. I imbibed and across the street I notice this seasoned gentleman walking toward me and says, “Excuse me.”

Somewhere inside- I’m sure I had a moment that said, uh-oh..run away. This is not good.

My action step was that I should ignore him.

He soon got closer, “Excuse me, can I just say one thing?”

“Sure,” I reply.

“You are just gorgeous!”

“Um, thanks.”

“Can I just say one, thing?”

“Ok.”

“You see I used to coach for Nebraska, but now I coach for Pitt.”

Then, he went off for like 10 minutes repeating the same football story from 20 years ago, in Nebraska! 20 years ago! And the team didn’t even win. It went something like, “And he dove, the mother-fer, excuse my language, was down at the line and just dove. But we lost the game. You see, those kids from Nebraska- they just go for it.”

With several variations, even cornering another couple walking by, he repeated his nostalgic tale from way back before anyone listening was born. He continued to fluff his feathers, and show off his shorts – (which were Pitt sports gear). He made certain that I knew he was a coach at Pitt, and that we should get dinner sometime. Also, that the bar down the street gives free drinks to people who work for Pitt. He was clearly intoxicated, but I (silly me) continued the conversation. Throughout, and basically every five minutes, it was interrupted by one of these lines.

“Can I just tell you one thing?”

“Oh, Nebraska! You should have seen that dive.”

“Can I just talk to you for a few minutes?”

“Don’t tell anyone, I said this, but…”

“Can I just tell you one thing?”

“I havn’t told anyone this.”

“Those cornhuskers…”

“Can I talk to you for like two hours?”

“Can I just tell you one thing?”

Intermittently throughout these questions, the repetitious homage of the past consisted of football, football, football, 1982, Tommy Dorsey, football, football, 1983, another important figure, football.

“I think you are just gorgeous,” never stopped, as well. During these rants he continued to touch my forearm, grab my hand and kiss it while making his ever-so important points. I thought it was hilarious. All this was outside. The salt and pepper haired seasoned “gentleman” seemed to be fond of me, and wouldn’t let me go back inside. So, what did he do? He invited himself inside and sat down with me and my friends.

The same stories were told. He showcased his shorts again, to my friends. He continued to talk about football, until the topic of the Beetles arrived. The he proceeded to serenade for the next 15 minutes. But despite his intoxication, he couldn’t remember the lyrics to any of the songs, or the names of the songs. Luckily, my good friends said they had to go home and they were my ride. So, I patted his back and walked out the door.

Miami won, by the way. 

London Calling

The following story is from when I traveled abroad to London, England.

My friends and I decided to go to a club and get our energy out. It was fun, we had a great time. Although, I did notice that men in Europe are much more aggressive than in the US. For some reason, I felt like if I danced with someone- then there was this unspoken rule that I owed them something in return. If ya know what I mean?

So there I was shaking my thang, ant this African dude came up to me and started dancing. But very close, and a little too close for comfort actually. I found a friend and moved to the other side of the dance floor. About an hour later, African dude found me again! I looked across the floor searching for my friends- I couldn't find anyone. I did though make good eye contact with this one fellow. I ended up shrugging off the African dude and went to another part of the club. Then it was almost closing time, and I was afraid African dude was going to find me and corner me or worse follow me home. My friends were in the crowd somewhere- but I had no safety net. To my right I saw African dude about 30 feet away headed in my direction. To my left about 5 feet away was the guy I had eye contact with earlier. I grabbed his wrist walked towards to entrance and paused with him. 

I said, “HI- sorry to bother you but I just need to borrow you for a moment.” I took a breath and continued, “there is a guy following me and I just want him to think I am with someone.” African dude passed by and didn’t stop. Whew! I was in the clear. And now I had this cute guy standing next to me. I finished with, “I’d love to thank you by buying you a pint at the pub.” He said yes with no hesitation. Later that week, we met and I bought him his pint. We hit it off right after that. 

 Even years and miles apart, I still chat with him to this day. Thank buddy.